7 sexual fears that haunt men

Responding to such sexual fears with a mature self-understanding and cooperation of the partner is the first and the most important step, and often nothing more may be required. If however, the fears persist, help of a professional ‘sex and relationship counsellor’ may be needed

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They may brag about their conquests or boast about their virility, but there are so many common fears about their sex life that haunt their minds.

1) Fear of Impotence: ‘Anxiety about impotence’ ranks first in order of prevalence, in all the sexual fears that men bear. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence. In 90 per cent cases of impotencies the cause is ‘psychogenic’. It is only in 10 per cent of cases the cause is biological or organic.

There is no possible way a man can ‘will’ to have an erection: We cannot will to have saliva, tears or digestive juices flow either. These things happen on their own in response to situations and circumstances. One may involve oneself in foreplay, without spectatoring at the organ, and the erection happens on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get erection is a fundamental anxiety – the fear of being rejected.

2) Fear of insatiable sexual demands: The image of the insatiable woman is a creation of contemporary literature and movies, plus much of the rhetoric accompanying the woman’s liberation movement. The truth is that there is a wide variation of sexual needs among both women and men. As men and women learn to accept each other as equals and realise that each has individual sexual needs, this fear will certainly decrease.

Prof Dr Rajan B Bhonsle, a senior sex therapist and counsellor, Hon Professor and Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M Hospital and Seth G.S.Medical College, Mumbai
Prof Dr Rajan B Bhonsle, a senior sex therapist and counsellor, Hon Professor and Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M Hospital and Seth G.S.Medical College, Mumbai

3) Fear of losing self-control: Many married men who feel that they love their wives and care for their marital commitment, carry the fear of getting attracted to other women. It is physiological for a man to get attracted to some women who fit into his criterions of sex appeal. Many men carry the guilt for such secret infatuations and fantasies. Many others fear that they may not be able to control themselves if they happen to be in an inviting situation. It becomes a constant struggle to balance their libidinous urges and their commitment in the marriage. Infidelity is invariably the result of insincere and irresponsible attitudes towards the marital bond.

4) Fear that the wife may become interested in someone else: The domineering husband, who believes he owns his wife, does not want to lose her for anyone else. He constantly feels that her infidelity is just a matter of right opportunity. It is necessary to change the perspective of this man. A wife, who understands this and works silently to reassure him, has better chance for a happy and lasting relationship than one who responds to his jealousy with anger, aggression and exasperation.

5) Fear of not being normal: Many men want to know if they resemble other men in their sexual behavior and if whatever they do sexually is the accepted ‘normal’ way to have sex. What should matter is whether you are hurting yourself or your partner with your sexual behavior. If both partners enjoy equally the act is right.

6) Fear of ‘Premature Ejaculation’: Some men try to slow things down by using anesthetic sprays or creams, tranquilizers, elastic bands, or double condoms, none of which help the anxiety, the overriding issue here. Practice of Yogic exercises like ‘Ashvini Mudra’ and ‘Vajroli Mudra’ do help to gain good sphincter control.

7) Fear of ‘small’ size of penis: Large numbers of men carry the complex of small penile size. First of all, the woman’s satisfaction does not depend on the size of the penis. On the contrary, too big can be a problem, in that it could hurt the partner. A common, mistaken belief that a flaccid penis gains in size proportionately when it gets erect, causes this fear. Also, one tends to find his penis small as it is always seen from above, a wrong angle to judge the length; as against that of others, which is observed from one side or from the front.

 The author is a senior sex therapist and counselor from Mumbai. He is the Head of the Department of Sexual Medicine at K.E.M Hospital and Seth G.S.  Medical College, Mumbai